On Flourishing
The concept of ‘personal flourishing’ means a number of things to me, which are interrelated. Firstly, I think about being one’s most authentic self as flourishing. From an early age we are encouraged, taught or, sometimes, indoctrinated to be who we are not, especially at a time when we are still discovering our identity. For me, growing up in a poor Italian Catholic family, I did not have much room to reflect until later in life.
Secondly, flourishing means balance — finding balance in life to take care of others while also taking care of ourselves. There was not much time for balance growing up in a lower middle-class home where we all worked from the earliest days I can remember in addition to our schoolwork. Our family’s livelihood depended on it.
Thirdly, flourishing means attaining a state of physical, mental, emotional, social, educational and spiritual well-being. This requires a great deal of self-awareness and self-regulation, something I only truly understood about twenty years ago.
Lastly, flourishing means caring for others in a deep and meaningful way. This could include community work or philanthropy or it could be as straightforward as how we live our daily life or what we base our life’s work and careers on.
I lay out these perspectives of flourishing because I have been fortunate in my life to have the resources and good health to attend to them. They have been the way my family has strived to be as we built a marriage, coupled with two careers while raising children and caring for the parents who cared for us. It is fair to say that I have moved into and out of periods of personal flourishing over my lifetime based on what demanded the most attention.
Flourishing Practices
I have come to much of my current practices later in life, which include the pursuit of this advanced degree! But I realize now that much of it has a basis in the foundation that was built for me when I was young.
Starting with Well-being, my Jesuit upbringing led me to consider ongoing education as an essential element of flourishing through learning. I have not stopped in my pursuit of learning both formally (two masters and now the doctorate) and informally through a variety of career paths. Having this belief system in my youth evolved into a following of the varied teachings of Thomas Merton (including a pilgrimage and retreat at Gethsemani in Bardstown, KY), Thich Nhat Hanh (including a retreat at Deer Park Monastery in San Diego, CA) and Buddhist Nun Pema Chodron who always seems to be relevant when times get tough. Meditation and yoga accompany my Merton, Hanh and Chodron practices with running (two marathons) and cycling (fourteen SF to LA AIDS charity rides) as ways I strive to stay fit. These activities have also ‘forced’ Balance as they require time to do and to do well.
Regarding Authenticity, I consider now that it is not something that I will ever perfect. That said, I chose a vegetarian, little alcohol, mindful eating lifestyle at the same time I began my well-being journey, about twenty years ago. Begun mostly symbolically at first, it is now the way that I connect with myself every day as I consider how I nourish my body. I include this in authenticity vs. well-being because it was a deliberate shift in lifestyle that was very different from how I spent most of my early adulthood. And, given the groups I find myself in, it is a lifestyle choice I have to insist on almost every day.
The space I find myself spending the most time in is the Caring for Others space. My parents were both physically disabled so we cared for them in our daily lives growing up. I married young (still happily after 37 years) and raised a family with my partner, including our daughter who had a life-threatening heart defect as a toddler — so caring for others never stopped (thankfully, she is a healthy adult practicing nursing). Both my wife and I have been primary caregivers for our parents and we made personal choices to prioritize that over other needs with no regret. Our recent move to New England was to be closer to my wife’s mom now that both of my folks have passed. Beyond family, caring for others includes philanthropy (a board seat on a west coast caregiver non-profit and on an east coast housing non-profit) and my community’s health council. I am nourished by these activities as much as I am by the other flourishing practices I have mentioned.
Flourishing Leadership
Reflecting on my personal flourishing, I realize that as a leader I have participated in much of this with others including friends, co-workers, members of my teams and even leaders I worked for. I took a team of six from my staff at the time to run in the 2016 NYC Marathon for a local charity. Many of my SF to LA bike rides included work colleagues on our team. To me, leading a high-performing team has always meant being your authentic self to others and demonstrating balance (colleagues still recall my ‘bring your daughter to work’ days before they became fashionable). I once orchestrated a bike building event for local youth charities at a SF-area ballroom where we held a sales conference for hundreds to demonstrate caring for others in a meaningful way. It, too, is still remembered. Showing the way has been extremely important to me, I have demanded it in the work environments I have chosen and I have coached others to do the same.
For CEOs to flourish and, therefore, enable others to do so, it is essential that they find balance in their lives too and show it to others. Beyond that, l am reminded of the teachings of Thich Nhat Hanh from his book Good Citizens where he talks about mindfulness in these five rituals or trainings:
The first training is to protect life, to decrease violence in one-self, in the family and in society. The second training is to practice social justice, generosity, not stealing and not exploiting other living beings. The third is the practice of responsible sexual behavior in order to protect individuals, couples, families and children. The fourth is the practice of deep listening and loving speech to restore communication and reconcile. The fifth is about mindful consumption, to help us not bring toxins and poisons into our body or mind. To quote Hanh: “It is possible to live happily in the here and the now. So many conditions of happiness are available — more than enough for you to be happy right now. You don’t have to run into the future in order to get more.”
Beyond Hanh, are the teachings of Pema Chodron, whose thinking is most useful when times get tough for a CEO, either as a result of competition, the economy or their own personal challenges. In her book When Things Fall Apart Chodron writes “Rather than going after our walls and barriers with a sledgehammer, we pay attention to them. With gentleness and honesty, we move closer to those walls. We touch them and smell them and get to know them well. We begin a process of acknowledging our aversions and our cravings. We become familiar with the strategies and beliefs we use to build the walls: What are the stories I tell myself? What repels me and what attracts me? We start to get curious about what’s going on.” Self-reflection is the lesson here, and mindful CEOs need to practice it daily.
Finally, I move back to Thomas Merton, for a focus on caring for others and authenticity. In his book New Seeds of Contemplation Merton writes “It is true to say that for me sanctity consists in being myself and for you, sanctity consists in being yourself and that, in the last analysis, your sanctity will never be mine and mine will never be yours, except in the communism of charity and grace. For me to be a saint means to be myself. Therefore, the problem of sanctity and salvation is in fact the problem of finding out who I am and of discovering my true self.” Mindfulness starts with finding oneself and living life authentically and with empathy for others who are also on the same journey.
Ending With a Story
I tell this story often now about something that happened to me on a retreat to Thomas Merton’s Abbey at Gethsemani six years ago. It is extracted from a journal that I wrote at the time.
“There’s a word in Italian- Eccomi. Translated as Here I Am, it’s also used more familiarly between friends as I Am Here, as in, Whatever You Need I’m Here For You. It’s used liberally throughout the Bible in Isaiah & Samuel with the same meaning, between a supplicant and their God. Why do I bring this up? When I was on a retreat at the Abbey of Gethsemani the concept of being a ‘Patient’ to each other was introduced. The idea being we all need and could use some help to get by in this world. And then it happened…I took the Pema Chodron book “When Things Fall Apart” to a quiet place above the Abbey. There is bright sun and mosquitoes, so I pace with my book to stay cool and bite free, until the storm came. Now I’m reading about fear and how to overcome it as I’m watching fierce clouds develop around me. My monkey brain said to run but my whale brain said wow, cool. There’s video but suffice it to say that even the tractors mowing the tall grass below had the sense to stop. But there I stood watching in awe and wonderment. At one point a small swirl developed over a knob and I started running downhill. But then I stopped to take it in. Do people really get hit by lightning? I don’t know of any! Do humans and cows really get picked up by wind and get tossed afar? Only in the Wizard of Oz. The wind picked up, the air cooled off and just a fiercely as it started it was over. Some weak thunder but no electricity. That was way cool, couldn’t have orchestrated it better. And just when I thought I had, a lady bug lands and hangs on my book! The Abbey bells toll 5p and I head downhill for good now, not running from but running toward something. Vespers.” Always run toward something, never away. Good advice a good leader gave me early in my career.
References
Chodron, P. 2016. When Things Fall Apart: Heart Advice For Difficult Times. Shambala.
Hanh, T.N. 2012. Good Citizens: Creating Enlightened Society. Parallax Press.
Merton, T. 2007. New Seeds of Contemplation. New Directions Publishing.
